


Idiots

by TheDeathEcchi



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 22:24:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8640475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeathEcchi/pseuds/TheDeathEcchi
Summary: Junkrat's constant yammering, howling, name-calling, and random cherry bomb tosses drove the quiet-loving Roadhog mad, and Roadhog's proclivity towards silence and one-word answers (if he gave any at all) made Junkrat want to claw his eyes out. At least, that's what it looked like to everyone else.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A nice little thing I cooked up, inspired by this tumblr post~
> 
> http://going-legit.tumblr.com/post/153226205546/imagine-if-on-top-of-robberies-roadhog-and

Many often wondered about the seemingly volatile relationship between Junkrat and Roadhog. Though the two were almost never seen apart, whenever they were together, it always seemed like they were a few good moments away from tearing each other to shreds. Junkrat's constant yammering, howling, name-calling, and random cherry bomb tosses drove the quiet-loving Roadhog mad, and Roadhog's proclivity towards silence and one-word answers (if he gave any at all) made Junkrat want to claw his eyes out. At least, that's what it looked like to everyone else. 

But the two were nothing if not very, very good actors.

-/-/-/-/-

"Please, come in." motioned the terrified butler, waving Roadhog into the master's chamber. The second he crossed the threshold, he was gone, not wanting to find out just how accurate he was with that hook and gun.

Roadhog's eyes narrowed behind his mask as he took in the abundance of exuberance in the room. Gold and silver plaques, velvet armchairs, faberge eggs perched on crystal shelves, jewelry cases filled with all manner of priceless gems that, in the evening light, cast part of the room in a kaleidoscopic array of colors.

The elder junker snorted. The guy _did_ know he was a thief, right?

"Ah, Mr. Roadhog." His eyes locked onto the man sitting behind the expensive mahogany desk, a cocky grin on his face. "Or is it Mr. Hog?"

"Just Roadhog." snorted the junker.

"Of course. Please, have a seat." He motioned to one of the armchairs, which Roadhog took, the chair creaking and groaning under his weight.

"I'll cut right to the chase, Roadhog." started the suit, reaching inside one of his drawers. Roadhog's hand inched towards his gun, but retracted when he saw the man pulling out a box of cigars. He offered one to the junker, who refused. Shrugging, he cut and lit one, puffing. Christ, even the way he _smoked_ looked rich. Roadhog bristled.

"I'm aware you're currently in the employ of one Jamison Fawkes, also known as Junkrat. I'm also aware that he holds knowledge of a very...interesting secret, which he is using to hold you to a contract."

Roadhog quirked an eyebrow. This one was good. A little smarter than the others. He'd certainly done his homework. "So?"

"As you know, Junkrat has made himself rather famous all over the world. As are you. The path of destruction you've carved together is...noteworthy." He took another drag and puffed, three smoke rings billowing forth. "That being said, that secret of his must attract no shortage of enemies. You, being his bodyguard, must have your hands full."

_'You have no idea.'_

"Roadhog, I'm in the pharmaceutical business. I've made a career of alleviating people of their burdens. As such, I believe I can also alleviate yours."

"Oh?"

"Working for such an erratic, noisy individual can surely test one's patience. I'm not sure any amount of money would convince me to work with such a chaotic ball of idiocy."

Roadhog keenly focused on the suit's ten-ring. "Make your point."

Smirking, the man reached into his drawer again, and pulled out a gold lined slip of paper. It took all the junker's power not to groan. Even his paper had money. Scribbling quickly on the paper, he handed it to the Australian. "I have here an offer for you, in exchange for Junkrat. In cash, of course. I mustn't leave a paper trail, especially when dealing with someone of such...background."

Ignoring the comment, Roadhog looked over the number he'd written down. That was a _lot_ of zeroes. It practically rivaled the price Junkrat had offered him.

Grinning, Roadhog folded up the paper. "When do you want him?"

The suit smiled. "This Friday would be acceptable. When the servants and staff are out of the house. There can't be any witnesses to this sort of dealing, after all."

"Gotcha."

-/-/-/-/-

Friday arrived and found Roadhog making his way through the mansion, a large burlap sack slung over his back. It was wriggling uncontrollably, a veritable stream of curses emanating from it.

"--and when I get outta here, I'll turn ya into bloody hamhocks, ya pig-faced cock! Ya hear me!? Won't even have ashes when I'm done with ya!" Roadhog rubbed his temples. A few more minutes and the biggest headache of his life would be gone forever.

Roadhog entered the room, where the suit sat waiting. A wide smile crossed his face. He was keenly aware of the gun resting comfortably on his lap. Once Junkrat was handed over, he would shoot them both, in the head. The reward for their bodies would be less substantial than if they were alive, but it would still be a considerable payday. And he would've rid the world of two scum. He'd be a hero to the public, and feared in the criminal underworld for taking out the deadly duo. A perfect win. He almost vibrated with glee.

"You're a man of your word, Roadhog." the suit grinned. Reaching down, he picked up a large suitcase and opened it. Stacks upon stacks of bills stared up at the junker, all crisp and fresh. "Now, then..."

Nodding, Roadhog reached into the sack and pulled out Junkrat by the scruff of his neck. The younger junker flailed about like a feral cat, practically foaming at the mouth. Then he saw the suitcase.

"MONEY!?" he shrieked, making the faberge eggs shake. "YA SOLD ME OUT FOR A BIT OF THE PAPER!? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE SHARED!? THE CHAOS WE CAUSED!? THE PROPERTY DAMAGE!? THE LOOT WE STOLE FROM DEAD BODIES ALONG THE WAY!? THAT'S THE REAL TREASURE, MATE!"

"Shut up." growled Roadhog. "After this, I never have to deal with your crap again."

"A wise decision you've made, Roadhog." smiled the suit as he closed the suitcase. "Now, if you wouldn't mind handing me that rapscallion." 

Roadhog chortled. "Gladly."

The suit almost felt a twinge of pity. It must've been terrible being betrayed by your supposed best friend and bodyguard. To have all that camaraderie fall about by the promise of money. He looked at Junkrat who was holding his face in his hands and shaking. Poor thing. He was crying.

The man paused, listening closer. No...something was off. He wasn't crying. He was...laughing. Why was he laughing?

Junkrat almost convulsed with laughter, even as he was held by Roadhog like a bag of luggage. Tears formed at the corner of his eyes, and he relished the look of confusion and bewilderment on the suit's face. It was moments like this he lived for. It was a VERY close second to the sound of a beautifully crafted explosive detonating. 

"Is...something amusing?" asked the suit, feeling a bead of sweat drop down his brow.

Junkrat regained just enough composure to gesture around the room. "All these--hahahaOHMYGAWD--all these fancy trinkets and knickknacks," Junkrat burst into laughter again. "And you apparently didn't by any damn brains with 'em!"

And then the suit heard something even worse.

Roadhog laughing.

Panicking, he reached for his gun, but by the time he clicked the safety off, Roadhog had unholstered his own weapon and blasted the suit dead-center, right in the ten-ring. He crumpled into a heap against his chair, where he lay very, very still.

"Whoo, that was the easiest one yet!" laughed Junkrat, hopping out of Roadhog's grip. Walking around the desk, he gave the suit a light kick in the side. "Yeeeep. Yeah, he's dead, alright. Nice work, buddy."

"No problem, pal." Behind his mask, Roadhog smiled.

"Awright, so, you take the upper floors, I'll take the lower floors and arm the explosives. You know the drill."

"Take anything that ain't nailed down."

"And if it is nailed down, take it anyway. Use a jimmy bar." Junkrat cackled madly as he sped off, whooping and hollering as he went about robbing the house blind.

Roadhog smiled and shook his head. He seriously loved that kid. He turned his gaze to the dead suit and allowed himself a chuckle.

There were many people, criminal and corporate alike, who thought Roadhog could be bribed. That his relationship with Junkrat only went as far as money, and there was nothing else between them that would allow them to tolerate the other's company.

Those people were idiots.

**END**


End file.
